The Best and Worst of Life

I’m a very complex person. Or so I’ve been told (by me). In one moment I can be bitter and cynical, shaking my fists at the metaphorical kids walking on my lawn and in the next, I am a fairy princess riding a unicorn throwing rainbow sprinkles at everyone. So I can’t compile a list of things I hate without making a list of things I love. Here’s my current list of Best and Worst of Life:

The Worst

1. Betty Draper. I’ve been watching a lot of Mad Men lately. I am way behind- only on season five- and I am still waiting to discover some sort of redeeming quality in Betty Draper/Francis. And I am one of the most sympathetic people ever. I can relate to the plight of an old shoe but I can’t seem to find anything relatable in Betty Draper. Can you? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

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2. When people or news outlets post photos of snakes on Facebook. If you post a photo of a snake on Facebook, you are dead to me.

3. Winter runners. They’re going to slip on the ice and die. Is it called irony when someone dies from trying to be healthy? Please just stay home, eat Cheetos, and watch Golden Girls re-runs like the rest of us.

4. Good looking people. It’s like Ok we get it, you’re good looking. Move along.

5. People who don’t hold doors open for you in your building when you’re right behind them. And your hands are full of cat food and frozen pizzas and they just ignore you and keep walking and the doors slam in your face and shit flies everywhere when you try to get your keys out. As if dying an old spinster isn’t hard enough.

The Best

1. Peggy Olson. My favourite character on Mad Men. She’s basically the reason I watch the show. Also, Joan. And Don Draper but only when he’s wearing a suit and a fedora and isn’t being an asshole so like when he isn’t talking.

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2. Lavender. My favourite smell. I sometimes imagine myself living in a beautiful old house on the ocean in PEI and I wear white cotton dresses and big floppy sun hats and smell like lavender all the time and I have a wrap around porch with whicker furniture and I have a string of paramours, all with different personas like one is really rugged so he comes and fixes all the things in my house that needs fixing and another who is a poet and reads with me on my porch and another who works in the city and needs an escape from the grind and can do my taxes. So yeah, lavender.

3. The Wicked soundtrack. Nothing beats screaming “Defying Gravity” at the top of your lungs in your car. Nothing.

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4. Books about King Arthur. Keep your Game of Thrones. I will take books like Mists of Avalon or The Once and Future King any day. Arthur stories have political intrigue, incest, adultery, magic, executions, love, war… what does Game of Thrones have?!

5. Sangria. Amiright?

Anyway, that’s this week’s lists. I feel like the negativity of the Worst list is cancelled out by the Best list. Sort of like eating carrots right after you eat 4 donuts.

Confessions of a D&D Nerd

Hello, my name is Lyndsey and I have recently started playing Dungeons and Dragons. (Hello, Lyndsey.) It’s been 3 days since I last played and I already miss it.

I never ever thought I would be a Dungeons & Dragons player. Growing up, D&D felt like the final frontier of Nerdom and I wasn’t a nerd in the stereotypical sense of the word (a theatre nerd and a bookworm, yes but not of the Sheldon variety).

But then in my teens I discovered Star Wars and fantasy novels. Han Solo rocked my adolescent world and my favourite thing to do was get lost in a magical literary universe. But I had a handle on it. I mean, everyone loves Star Wars, right? And a little fantasy never hurt anyone.

In my twenties, I started experimenting with shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Firefly. I loved how I felt when I watched them. The escape. And the way that fantasy and sci-fi worlds can illuminate human nature and focus your moral compass by forcing you to ask yourself questions like “If I were to become a vampire, would I kill and suck dry the blood of all my family and friends?”

Eventually, this lead to an intake of Star Trek. I didn’t binge watch it, just a few episodes a week. And it was the Next Generation so it’s not like I was die-hard. This is what I told myself.

It was a slow transition into the World of Nerd and I didn’t really see it coming. I mean, I came from a normal home. Parents still together, average grades, family vacations, favourite movie was A League of Their Own, etc. My mom and dad often talked about the oddity of shows like Star Trek and I understood the ramifications but Buffy seemed harmless so how could Star Trek really do any damage?

Last year is when things started getting out of control. I started reading science-fiction novels and I even attended a Comic Con. Yes, a Comic Con. I saw Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day and Nathan Fillion and Levar Barton and they all just made it seem so cool, you know? And it just felt so good, so right.

This brings us to the present. Recently, me and a few fellow nerds decided to try D&D. We were careful about it. We got the books and spent the first little while just building our characters. But then next thing you know, I am spending an entire Sunday writing a backstory for my character (whose name is Ravastine Loreweaver, a bard and a seer) and buying my own set of game dice. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Am I Ravastine or am I Lyndsey? And if I decide to get an Arcane Familiar in the form of an owl, should I name it Merlin? These sorts of questions have taken over my rational mind and have forced me to take a good long look at who I really am.

When I’m not playing D&D, I’m just as normal as the next Normal Josephine. I like to read trashy articles about Lindsay Lohan and watch YouTube videos of people falling off things. I like Drew Barrymore movies and I even own a juicer. But when I’m not juicing and watching Never Been Kissed, I’m someone else. I’m Ravastine Loreweaver, a spirited and charismatic minstrel who inspires my allies in battle, is good with a short sword, and enjoys a cup of ale at the local dwarf tavern. Perhaps I need to accept that this is just who I am. I’m too old for it to be a foolish youthful fancy. Maybe I can be Lyndsey and Ravastine Loreweaver. Maybe I can hold down a corporate job and get back the magical box that the evil necromancer stole.

So go ahead and judge me, world, for the D&D junkie that I am. Because if being Ravastine is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Body Image and Batman

This post is about my latest struggles in losing weight. I am not going to wax profound on body image in this post. Maybe another time. Who am I kidding, I always say that I will write something profound but I never do because I would much rather write about Batman or something. Um, speaking of Batman, how good was Dark Knight Rises? I know I am way late on this but I just watched it for the first time a few months ago. Which is ridiculous because I saw the first Dark Knight in the theatres opening night due to my dedication and love of Batman but this time around, I dunno, I guess I was at home watching all the TV shows ever. But yeah, Dark Knight Rises: twist ending, crazy Bane with the voice, and Christian Bale with a cane! Um, speaking of Christian Bale is it true that that was his last time playing Batman? Like is Ben Afflek really taking over? I am sure I could Google this stuff but I feel like if I put the questions out into the Universe, the Universe will answer (aka please comment and tell me what’s going on cause I am too lazy to Google). But if Afflek takes over, what’s going to happen? Aka what’s going to happen to Joseph Gordon Levitt who’s gonna be Robin? Is he gonna be Afflek’s Robin? This is all very stressful. I’ve had a love of Christian Bale since he was Laurie on Little Women. Don’t even get me STARTED on Little Women! I don’t care what ANYONE says, Laurie and Jo were meant to be together and Amy and the Professor can go stuff it as far as I am concerned. Amy can be the Professor’s trophy wife and like she’ll drive him crazy but the sex is good so he’ll stay and she’ll embarrass him at all his Professory events so he starts drinking more and more just to tolerate her and where he gets this money for the booze, god only knows but now Amy is basically living in a hovel with a drunken pretentious husband because THAT’S. WHAT. SHE. DESERVES. So the moral is Christian Bale IS. BATMAN. and I think him and JGL would have amazeballs chemistry. With me. In the bedroom. Hey-o!

Mother, may I?

Mother, may I?

Also, I’m trying to lose weight. Gotta start exercising, yadda, yadda, yadda. Will keep you updated. Blah blah blah.

Peace!