The Best and Worst of Life

I’m a very complex person. Or so I’ve been told (by me). In one moment I can be bitter and cynical, shaking my fists at the metaphorical kids walking on my lawn and in the next, I am a fairy princess riding a unicorn throwing rainbow sprinkles at everyone. So I can’t compile a list of things I hate without making a list of things I love. Here’s my current list of Best and Worst of Life:

The Worst

1. Betty Draper. I’ve been watching a lot of Mad Men lately. I am way behind- only on season five- and I am still waiting to discover some sort of redeeming quality in Betty Draper/Francis. And I am one of the most sympathetic people ever. I can relate to the plight of an old shoe but I can’t seem to find anything relatable in Betty Draper. Can you? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

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2. When people or news outlets post photos of snakes on Facebook. If you post a photo of a snake on Facebook, you are dead to me.

3. Winter runners. They’re going to slip on the ice and die. Is it called irony when someone dies from trying to be healthy? Please just stay home, eat Cheetos, and watch Golden Girls re-runs like the rest of us.

4. Good looking people. It’s like Ok we get it, you’re good looking. Move along.

5. People who don’t hold doors open for you in your building when you’re right behind them. And your hands are full of cat food and frozen pizzas and they just ignore you and keep walking and the doors slam in your face and shit flies everywhere when you try to get your keys out. As if dying an old spinster isn’t hard enough.

The Best

1. Peggy Olson. My favourite character on Mad Men. She’s basically the reason I watch the show. Also, Joan. And Don Draper but only when he’s wearing a suit and a fedora and isn’t being an asshole so like when he isn’t talking.

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2. Lavender. My favourite smell. I sometimes imagine myself living in a beautiful old house on the ocean in PEI and I wear white cotton dresses and big floppy sun hats and smell like lavender all the time and I have a wrap around porch with whicker furniture and I have a string of paramours, all with different personas like one is really rugged so he comes and fixes all the things in my house that needs fixing and another who is a poet and reads with me on my porch and another who works in the city and needs an escape from the grind and can do my taxes. So yeah, lavender.

3. The Wicked soundtrack. Nothing beats screaming “Defying Gravity” at the top of your lungs in your car. Nothing.

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4. Books about King Arthur. Keep your Game of Thrones. I will take books like Mists of Avalon or The Once and Future King any day. Arthur stories have political intrigue, incest, adultery, magic, executions, love, war… what does Game of Thrones have?!

5. Sangria. Amiright?

Anyway, that’s this week’s lists. I feel like the negativity of the Worst list is cancelled out by the Best list. Sort of like eating carrots right after you eat 4 donuts.